Snork

DOG LOVERS

A dog lover (whose dog, a ***** and in heat) agreed to look after and house her neighbours' male dog while the neighbours were away on holidays. She had a large house and she believed she could keep them apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage (as so frequently happens when dogs mate).

Unable to separate them, perplexed as to what to do next, and although it was late, she called the Vet, who answered the phone in a very grumpy voice.

After she explained the problem to him, the Vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me" he replied.
 
hehe RC, "anamorphic" sounds like an affliction.

Fear/great affinity of or for woman named Ana..

OR-

Cop; "Have you been drinking sir?"

Guy; "Nope, I'm anamorphic"
 
Ah yes, the Daily Mail, great defender of truth. Owned by Rupert Murdoch. I take great pleasure in having a friend who has a T shirt bearing the legend "Hated by the Daily Mail".
 
Always enjoyed pg.3, if they still do that.

The face lift thing is real though. Thing on TV just now. A plastic surgeon is offering em under that name and for the purpose of looking better online.

(Was Hollywood so not really the real world)
 
Yah, I had a little work done, now that y'all brought up the subject...

Here's my updated mugshot.
rc
 

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Well, yours turned out better than mine, for sure.
I'm suing my dentist.
Tom
 

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Unfortunately my hmo would not spring for the cultured accent.

GN, it will be just fine. Dashing.

2dr, now you very much resemble my MIL in her younger days...
 
Mothers-in-law:

A man was on vacation overseas and was taking a stroll along the beach, when he happened upon a very ancient-looking bottle thoroughly encrusted with mud and debris. He picked it up and began to rub it off a bit when, suddenly, out flew the stopper and up rose a gigantic cloud of smoke, which formed into a genie.
"After so many eons, you have freed me from that bottle. In return I shall gladly grant you three wishes" said the genie.
"Really?" asked the man. "Just three?"
"For you" replied the genie "only three, and that is all I ever would have granted, but because you showed greed in asking their number - whatever you wish for, I will give twice as much to you mother-in-law."
The man sighed, but he agreed. "I wish for a million dollars" he said.
"It is done" said the genie, as the money began falling in wrapped bundles on the sand. "And how kind of you to also ensure that your mother-in-law will have two million dollars".
The man was very angry about that, but he wished on. "I wish for a larger house, a mansion, with fifty...no, a hundred rooms."
"It is done" replied the genie "And I have seen to it that your mother-in-law has servants to help her care for her mansion of two hundred rooms."
Now the man was furious. He looked around him on the beach, and snatched up a heavy piece of driftwood.
"Here," he said to the genie "I wish for you to take this stick and beat me half to death!"
 
I found a genie in a bottle once. He said I could have one wish. I asked him to build me a road bridge over the Atlantic so I could go there and tour and play music and things. He said he couldn't do it, look at the concrete, the foundations, all that steel cable, was there anything else? So I told him I'd like to understand women, what made them tick, how their minds worked.


The bridge is nearly complete now.
 
I found a genie in a bottle once, under a large amount of Jagermeister. He said I couldn't sleep in the park, then he started walking off, billowing mystical smoke. He said quit asking for 3 wishes or he'd call the cops.
 
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