Snork
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Char and I had a Golden Retreiver, Boomer, God rest him, who figured out, on his own, how to make a loop, or snare, from a long sock, wrap it around Char's ankle and play tug-o-war when we wouldn't play with him. We never took a video so we have no proof but my brother, who was going to vet school at he time told one of his professors about it. She said it was impossible; dogs don't have the mental capacity to do that. Yeah, right, just like elephants don't know how to cheat.
Tom
Tom
Certain elephants get the hang of painting (rather abstract) pictures, with artist-type brushes and an easel and everything. I'll have to google it again, but there's a zoo out there somewhere that lets its elephants paint, and it sells the paintings in the gift shop. Cool, eh?
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Now if they just put that with the monkeys that throw poo!! That will be a real winner
Person #1 "What's that awefull smell?"
Person #2 "My new painting I bought at the zoo."
Person #1 "Why are there flys buzzing all around it?"
Person #2 "Umm yeah... about that.... ahhhh..... Don't touch it before eating, ok?"
Person #2 "My new painting I bought at the zoo."
Person #1 "Why are there flys buzzing all around it?"
Person #2 "Umm yeah... about that.... ahhhh..... Don't touch it before eating, ok?"
Boy, Officer, and Squirrel
A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a penknife in one hand and a squirrel in the other.
"Now listen here," the policeman said, "Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature I shall personally do to you"
"In that case," said the boy, "I'll kiss it on the forehead and let it go"(That is not where he kissed it,lol)
A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a penknife in one hand and a squirrel in the other.
"Now listen here," the policeman said, "Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature I shall personally do to you"
"In that case," said the boy, "I'll kiss it on the forehead and let it go"(That is not where he kissed it,lol)
If you find a rubber MB muffler in your coat pocket, you might be a Motor Bicyclist.
Or ...
"is that a muffler in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?"
Or ...
"is that a muffler in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?"
Whether it is hobby or mental illness depends on how much you spend beyond your means.
03/30/2011 from dawn s7.8 THE OLDER CROWD
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. 'Is it true,' she wanted to know, 'that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?' 'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, 'I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked NO REFILLS'...
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. 'Is it true,' she wanted to know, 'that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?' 'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, 'I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked NO REFILLS'...
03/30/2011 from ralph9 Tap, tap..
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a plate glass window! For a few moments everything was silent. Still shaking the driver said, "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared me out of my wits."
The shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder would startle you so badly." The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years..."
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a plate glass window! For a few moments everything was silent. Still shaking the driver said, "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared me out of my wits."
The shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder would startle you so badly." The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years..."
03/29/2011 from RICHARD DE6 Speed control
He's not in the 20 mph club,lol
The chain on a delivery boys motor bike breaks and he was on the side of the road. A car pulls up and asks him if he needs help. “Yes,” the boy tells him. The guy gets out and opens his trunk and takes a rope to tie to the bike to pull it. The boy says, “How will I tell you if you’re going too fast?” The guy hands him a whistle and tells him, “Blow the whistle and I’ll slow down.” They take off and everything is going fine.
Then another car pulls alongside and they started to race. At this point they pass a speed control cop who radios ahead to his partner. “I got speeders coming your way. I got one doing 65 mph and another going 63 mph with a boy on a motorized bike blowing a whistle trying to pass them.”
He's not in the 20 mph club,lol
The chain on a delivery boys motor bike breaks and he was on the side of the road. A car pulls up and asks him if he needs help. “Yes,” the boy tells him. The guy gets out and opens his trunk and takes a rope to tie to the bike to pull it. The boy says, “How will I tell you if you’re going too fast?” The guy hands him a whistle and tells him, “Blow the whistle and I’ll slow down.” They take off and everything is going fine.
Then another car pulls alongside and they started to race. At this point they pass a speed control cop who radios ahead to his partner. “I got speeders coming your way. I got one doing 65 mph and another going 63 mph with a boy on a motorized bike blowing a whistle trying to pass them.”
A co-worker told me a story about his truck dying on the road once, and a drink-happy cousin being the only person available to come tow it. The cousin chained it up and drove along at a scenic pace, until Joe stood on the brakes in the towed truck, minding the one stop sign for 30 miles and the long chain. Ricky, seeing no cars coming, responded by flooring the gas, after moving the bottle of whiskey that slid out from under the seat. Resuming his favorite pastime, Ricky soon forgot about the screaming passenger in the truck sliding around behind him, careening in the ditches, jumping dead animals in the road, and heating the brakes like coal in a fire. He hurried home to get more cigarettes and call his cousin back about his truck breaking down.
Ricky let off the gas and swerved into his driveway, parking on the steep hill, and getting out to take a leak before going inside.
He spotted Joe in his truck, white as a sheet, gripping the steering wheel, and shivering. "Hey Joe, I guess you got that old truck runnin' like a song! You sure got here FAST! I was just about to call you!"
Joe stepped out of the truck, and said, "RICKY! You towed me here! Don't you remember? The horn went dead after the first mile, and when I flashed the lights, you sped up! You ran a stop sign, and best thank goodness for this hill or I'd have rammed you, since the brakes went out!"
Rickey thought about it a minute, took a swig, and said, "I was just kiddin with you, cuz. You did a real good job keeping the chain tight! Hardly knew you were back there!"
Ricky let off the gas and swerved into his driveway, parking on the steep hill, and getting out to take a leak before going inside.
He spotted Joe in his truck, white as a sheet, gripping the steering wheel, and shivering. "Hey Joe, I guess you got that old truck runnin' like a song! You sure got here FAST! I was just about to call you!"
Joe stepped out of the truck, and said, "RICKY! You towed me here! Don't you remember? The horn went dead after the first mile, and when I flashed the lights, you sped up! You ran a stop sign, and best thank goodness for this hill or I'd have rammed you, since the brakes went out!"
Rickey thought about it a minute, took a swig, and said, "I was just kiddin with you, cuz. You did a real good job keeping the chain tight! Hardly knew you were back there!"
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Went on a retreat with Carol's coworkers. A newly married, young couple was having trouble conceiving. The young man was newly arrived to the U.S. and thought the other males would be supportive when he told us this story. The Mrs checked out fine at the doctors so it was his turn. We of course taunted him how he had to be careful not to become attracted to specimen cups in the future. At the next social event we ask him how the doctors visit went. Part of his answer was what the nurse asked him when he brought his specimen cup back up to the counter;
"Whats this? I wanted urine"
"Whats this? I wanted urine"
Just stumbled on this sight thought I would link it here. Did not have the time to read anything yet tho. Funny2 - Mitch Hedberg Jokes
REVENGE! Backstory: after my accident I continued to wear my biker jacket to work sometimes because it kept me warm. People saw me with it and the crutches and would, of course, ask "Motorcycle accident?".
These days I can walk pretty well now, finally. So, at work I was catching an elevator when I saw a lawyer friend hobbling our way with a crutch to try to make the elevator too. I held the door and let him in. Once inside I looked at him. He KNEW what I was going to ask, but I asked anyway. "Motorcycle accident?" I inquired.
He laughed, I laughed, and the other people on the elevator all must've thought we lost our marbles.
These days I can walk pretty well now, finally. So, at work I was catching an elevator when I saw a lawyer friend hobbling our way with a crutch to try to make the elevator too. I held the door and let him in. Once inside I looked at him. He KNEW what I was going to ask, but I asked anyway. "Motorcycle accident?" I inquired.
He laughed, I laughed, and the other people on the elevator all must've thought we lost our marbles.
