A funny thing happed when I ...

A funny thing happed when I ...

... went out to get the newspaper this morning, there was bear on my roof!

I googled 'bear removal' and found a guy that said he could be here in 1/2 an hour.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van.
He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" I asked.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.
When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his balls and not let go.
The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

Then he hands me the shotgun.
"What am I suppose to do with this?" I asked.

"If the bear knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog."

A funny thing happened when I was...
... in the hospital.

I was lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over my mouth and nose.
A young student nurse came in and gave me a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' I mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir.
I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

I struggled to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that I might elevate my blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about my testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises my gown, holds my manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir.
They look fine."

I managed to slowly pulls off my oxygen mask, smiled at her, and said very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful.
Now listen very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"

A funny thing happened when I...
... was in church the other day.

A group of nuns were lined up to confess to the priest and I could overhear them.

The first nun says, "Father, I have sinned. I looked at a man naked."
The priest says, "Put holy water on your eyes and say 10 hail Mary's."

The next nun comes up and says, "Father, I have sinned. I touched a naked man in a sexual manner."
The priest says, "Was your hands in holy water and say 20 hail Marys."

The third nun approaches the priest and is about to speak when there is a clamoring from the back of the church.

Another nun comes running in going, "WAIT!"
The priest says, "What’s wrong?!"

The nun replies, "I need to gargle the holy water before Nancy sticks her ass in it."

... when I was younger.

A policeman is doing his usual rounds just before midnight when he passes a parking lot and notices me and girl inside my parked car.
He stops to investigate and sees me in the driver’s seat and the young lady sitting in the backseat, quietly reading a magazine.

The officer knocks on my driver’s window and asks "what’s going on".

"Listening to music," I said.
Pointing toward the young lady in the backseat, the officer asks, "And what’s she doing?"

"Reading a magazine, of course."

"How old are you?" asks the officer.

"I’m 21." ??"And how old is she?"

I looked at my watch and said, "Well, in 11 minutes she’ll be 18."

... was doing door to door market research.

At one house I was greeted by a young woman with a couple of kids running around.

"I'm doing some research for Vaseline," I said,
"Have you ever used the product?"

"Yes," she replies: "My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?" I asked.

"We use it for sex," she replies.

I was a little taken back.
"Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge," I said.
"But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex.

I admire you for your honesty I said.
Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

"I don't mind telling you at all," the woman says.
"My husband and I put it on the door knob to keep the kids out."

... had this really hot Hooters Nimpho babe living with me and I had to leave town for a month.
I knew she'd never last a month without my Johnson every day so I went shopping for a dildo.

After looking for awhile I went and talked to old guy working the counter and and asked if he had anything that would do the trick.

"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick...
We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except..." and he stopped."

"Except what?"

"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me ! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'"
"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" I asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols.
He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo.
I laughed, and said "Big frigg'n deal, it looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

"Ahh, but you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."

The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said

"Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"

The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

I told him "I'll take it!"

The old man resisted, saying "it wasn't for sale", but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash.

I took it home to hot nypho babe, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say...

"Voodoo dick, my pussy."

After I'd been gone a few days, she was unbearably horny.
She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick.
She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!"
The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.

After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting.
She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked.

Seems I had forgot to tell her how to shut it off.
So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.

She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo on the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman.

He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said:

"Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my A$$!"

... went to the Sate Fair with my wife this year.

One of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.
We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
"THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR"


My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said,
"He mated 50 times last year."

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
"THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR"



My wife gave me a healthy jab and said,
"WOW! That's more than TWICE A WEEK ! ! ! . . . .
You could learn a lot from him!"

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
"THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR"


My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and she said
"That's ONCE A DAY ! ! ! You could REALLY learn something from this one."

I looked at her and said,
"Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow every time."


My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable, and I should eventually make a full recovery.

...took my wife and young son to the circus.

When I went to buy popcorn, my son asks my wife,
"Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?"

"That's the elephant’s trunk, dear," she replies.

"No, Mom. Down underneath."

My wife blushes and says, "Oh, that's nothing son."

When I returned my wife went off to get a soda.
As soon as she leaves, my son repeats his question.

"That's the elephant’s trunk, son."

"Dad, I know what an elephant's trunk is. The thing down there."

The father says, "Oh, that's the elephant's penis."

"Dad," the son asks, "how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?"
I took a deep breath and explained...
"Well son, here's the truth. I've really spoiled that woman."